The Rusty Nail

In Due Time...

2008-04-29T05:09:00.001-07:00

Okay so this is frustrating...

I finished out my first week by loosing 10 lbs and 14.25 inches...yaaaayyy for me!

Then when I went to weigh-in mid week I was up 1.5 lbs...((WTF))!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ...I have been following the program TO THE LETTER!!!! This can't be!

So my coach and I looked over my journal and thought maybe I am getting too much salt ...probably fluid retention...and the truth is I do have a problem with that at the best of times...so I decided not to be discouraged. I continued to stay true to the program and persevere. Now that may sound like a dramatic word, but for someone who struggles with addiction and emotional eating it really does take perseverance to keep a good mind-set and a stick-to-it position.

At the next weigh-in that week I was down 2 lbs and 5.75 inches to boot…Once again I am elated and figure I am on my way…Last week was just a fluke and now I am on the path to slimville!

Well not so …At my first weigh-in this week I was up 1.5 lbs again…AAAAAHHHHH!

Okay this time I am thinkin’ really W. T. F!!!!

Frustrated, I drove the 75K home, drinking my water and yakking with my coworker. When I arrived to my destination for a brief moment I let myself think ‘what’s the use’, I am doing all that I am supposed to do…drinking 8+ glasses of H20 daily…walking way beyond the required number of steps daily and eating ALL the food and ONLY the food that is required by the program …measuring and weighing faithfully! ‘…But it is not working…I might as well just eat something right now that I can’t have because this is hopeless’. (I am very good at sabotaging myself!)

I mean, following everything on the program is actually pretty easy itself...I am not craving which is a huge, huge, huge change for me...and for the most part I am not hungry...this program offers lots of food and choices...and good food too ! ...food I would normally eat...this is not some whacked out diet with food that only the aliens would eat...and like!! This is a good solid program that is balanced and because it is balance it keeps me satisfied and definitely not craving. I am an emotional eater but even during the times in the past couple of weeks when I would normally eat everything in sight because I am stressed, lonely or bored I am controlled and at peace.

Then yesterday happened! When I was up 1.5 lbs again I was shocked and dismayed. Now I know I do retain water and I am assuming that is what this is all about ‘cause man I have not cheated, I have not strayed, I have been faithful and done what I am supposed to do!

So if I know it is just fluid, why does it drive me so nuts to see that gain on the scales? Why do I let it affect me…I know my clothes are getting bigger…I know I am losing inches off my body…So why do I allow the numbers on some scale dictate to me whether I am being successful or not???? What is it about ‘the almighty scales’ that forever has this grip on self image and self worth? For years I have not had scales in my house because I was so obsessed with weighing myself…I would do it numerous times daily hoping for a different outcome each time and being totally freaked when I didn’t get it. Funny thing is I wasn’t doing anything to help get a different result…Crazy isn’t it! Then I would eat out of frustration and discouragement …I know, I know…go figure!

So I got up early this morning and walking down the hall I felt compelled to pick up my Bible and search the scriptures. This is what I read: “ …For what ever a man sows, that and that only is what he will reap. And let us not lose heart and grow weary and faint in acting nobly and doing right, for in due time and at the appointed season we shall reap, if we do not loosen and relax our courage and faint.” Galatians 6:8, 9. I believe God lead me to this scripture. It was definitely what I needed. It definitely encouraged me. And it definitely helped me to gain strength to continue on, to not give up and to not lose hope.

And drawing my strength from God is what enables me because in my own flesh I am so damn weak it is pathetic. And as I write that, I am reminded of another scripture, ‘I have strength for all things in Christ Who empowers me [I am ready for anything and equal to anything through Him Who infuses inner strength into me; I am self-sufficient in Christ's sufficiency]. Philippians 4:13. In other words ‘I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.’

I believe it, I feel it…I have hope!

Addiction Is A Bastard...

2008-04-13T18:40:00.000-07:00

It's been awhile...

"Today is the first day of the rest of my life". How many times have you heard that saying?

Seems that each day we awaken we have another new day... a clean slate so to speak... some may even consider it a time of 'second chances'... Many days I get up and don't even think about the day that lies ahead... I don't really think about the fact that I actually woke up and still have life; I take it for granted... I get out of bed, do the same old, trudge off to work, mindlessly filling my day only to drag myself home fighting pain and fatigue, to fall into bed totally exhausted, all to awaken and do it all over again... I abuse my life and I abuse myself...

You see, not only do I drive myself until I am exhausted, I also have this terrible self destructive behavior I have been battling pretty well all my life; it consumes me, controls me, weakens me. Times too many to count I have waged war against this vice, but to no avail. Addiction is a bastard... and when you are obsessed with the very thing that keeps you alive, well that makes it all the more difficult to kick. It feels hopeless, insurmountable even.

As you know, food is necessary for sustaining life... but years of abusing it can also lead to a premature death. Ironic isn't it? And even though I have failed miserably so, so many times, the fear the reality of this truth causes me, is what has driven me to once again, pursue freedom from this dreadful beast. I know full well this is a must if I want my children to have their mom, my grandchildren to have their grandma and my husband of 28.5 years to not have to live out the rest of his days without the love of his life.

For years I have let this evil addiction rule my life, thus bringing me to a physical state that makes me actually feel old way before my time; it has robbed me of my self worth, self esteem, physical health, mental health, out-and-out joy of life and the list goes on; it has held me hostage and kept me from doing the many things in life that I would have chased after had I not felt so direly about myself. My life actually reminds me of a prisoner on death row… waiting for their life to be snuffed out… yet hoping someway, somehow an undeserved stay of execution or pardon will miraculously come through… freedom just beyond the prison gates… but will I ever have it?

Well today is a different day... A couple of days ago I made a decision and somehow I feel changed…I really don’t know how to describe the feeling I have; it is like this renewed hope. I have a peace within that really does pass beyond my understanding. I was anticipating panic, just like all the other times when I made this decision; I literally feared being cut off food and was expecting to obsess about not being able to eat what I want when I want in whatever quantity I want. I was quite frankly expecting to be constantly hungry. Just the thought of trying to get control of this beast that rages within usually causes me to eat everything in sight. But much to my astonishment none of these things are happening… I have this total peace…this calm…this knowing that this time I am going to triumph…could it really be? Frankly I have made this decision countless times. In the past I have prayed, I have cried, I have begged, I have tried everything I could humanly think of but all without really feeling any change, all without any real hope for victory.

So why now…why do I suddenly feel like I can actually do this…why do I feel so comforted…why do I have this unbelievable hope? I suspect it has much to do with God and my deepened relationship with Him. He has intervened on my behalf, which He has tried to do many, many times but this time I have let Him. I have laid myself in His loving arms and He is carrying because I am unable to carry myself… just like He promised to do. I cannot battle this addiction on my own strength any more, I know that. I have proven I can’t lick this thing without Him, it doesn’t work nor will it ever. But I am learning that in the shadow of His wings and by His power…the same power that raised Christ from the dead…I can be victorious…

Later…

Happy Life to Me!

2005-11-09T07:51:00.000-08:00

Today is a milestone; I turned 50 years old at 6:00 this morning and was even awake to enjoy the moment. Over the past little bit of time I have been wondering how being 50 will change me, change my life and I have come to the conclusion it won't. It is funny how we as people tend to make a big deal out of that which is not. I am neither proud nor ashamed of my age. It is what it is. One more year behind me. One more year of experience as a daughter, sister, wife, mother, grandmother, aunt, friend, foe; One more year of laced with successes and failures;

As I look forward to this next year, I can't help but be filled with anticipation of what lies ahead. Life is a joy, even when struggles are forever looming. Who could be as blessed as I am and not have joy! I love my life and I am thankful to God for what and whom He has given me. I am content. Life is good!

Little, short lived moments

2005-07-22T19:39:00.000-07:00

Connie

Meandering my way to work this morning I noticed that all around me there seemed to be this haze in the air which got me to wondering if it had been foggy earlier. Well I got my answer as I came around the curve at the top of the valley hill. It was the most beautiful site. There in front of me as I descended into the valley was this awesome neon white cloud hanging over the wide span. The sun was shining over the cloud and on it and it was just so majestic. The further into I moved into the valley the less I could see in front of me and in the midst of the cloud was this feeling of peace and serenity. As I made my way over the bridge the fog began to lift and there on the other side of the river was the sun shining brightly on a plush field of yellow. What a glorious sight. As I climbed the hill, making my way out of the valley I looked back at the beauty of what I had just come thru and I smiled and thanked God for the brief moment of beauty He had allowed me to be in the midst of. Wow, God is so awesome and the beauty of his creations never cease to amaze me. If I didn't have this job I have I would have missed the whole experience of this morning. Even in the midst of difficult times God finds a way to show that He is here right with me. Somehow this little, short lived moment gave me hope of better things and it gave me faith to believe that He is leading the way.

The ramblings of Mother Goose

2005-07-10T08:43:00.000-07:00

Ever since spring I have been watching a goose and gander that have nested on a pond I pass on the way to work hoping that one day I would see their little gosslings. Well it finally happened! The other day I had to slam on my brakes as they crossed the road from one pond to the other. It was so awesome to see and it made me smile from ear to ear all the way to work. The gosslings were the cutest fuzzy brown little creatures I had seen in a long time. And it was neat to see the gander leading the 5 babies and mother goose at their side guiding and protecting. I didn't have my window open but I could see her bill going up and down so I presume she was verbally instructing her little ones to hurry up!

The scene kind of reminded me of my own family; having raised 5 youngens. Especially the verbal instruction part! Seems I was always doing that. And still am. Even though they grow up and move out and on, it is hard to not mother where mothering is not necessary or wanted. And it is difficult to find a new path to follow when you have been on the same path, doing the same thing for 25 plus years. Our baby turned 20 this year and we reached a new milestone; all of our children are now in their 20's. Wow, I can hardly believe that. Anyway the nest was empty for a few short months and some days I loved it and other days not. But one of our little gosslings has returned for the summer, bringing releif to a welcoming mother goose and giving me a little rememberance of days gone by. It seems the days when we are all together under one roof are few and far between. Life changes, who we call family changes and we all seem to adjust. I recently found a quote that I just love because it sums up exactly how I feel about my family:

"Our family is a circle of love and strength. With every birth and unity the circle grows. Every joy shared adds more love. Every crisis faced toghether makes the circle stronger" Unknown.